Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
You Might Also Like
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
accurate
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?