Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
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“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Dietest Coke
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread