In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
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I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys