so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
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“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)