Bring back the McRib
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me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone