You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
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*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Breaking news:
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.