i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
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Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.