She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
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“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
A choir of Spring onions
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again