This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
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Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
#SuperBowl
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Breaking news:
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]