My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
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I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family