Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
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[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?