*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
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My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
want me to check your oil?
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.