I’m awake but I object,
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Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I WON A HAM TODAY
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work