It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
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I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I did not eat the cake…
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.