Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
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me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
We have a winner.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Stick it to the man
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.