we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
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PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.