Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
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[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry