An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
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My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.