If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
yeah not falling for this one
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this