Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
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KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
how was your vacation
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour