“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
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hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.