I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
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Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
CRYING
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
You got this…
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.