I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
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You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before