[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
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I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”