“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
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jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
When you don’t understand how floors work