I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
You Might Also Like
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
i made a craigslist ad !
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore