The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
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Always…
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no