“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
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if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
What number SPF blocks people?
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Brb my Sims are getting married