Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
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I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom: