dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
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My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.