Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
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[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
WTF IS THAT!
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.