Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
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I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Classic German Shepherd 😂
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.