If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
You Might Also Like
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
scrabbled eggs
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.