[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
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This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees