ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
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The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Lassie, get help!
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*