CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
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Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.