#Caturday
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Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic