The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
You Might Also Like
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Coffee for people with no kids
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”