5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
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After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
my mind
You just read my mind
new wife guy just dropped
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?