[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
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When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.