4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
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[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Always
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.