*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
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nothing saves money like being antisocial
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?