The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
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5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone