[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
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[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”