i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
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Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Introverted vegans go meetless
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz