I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
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Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
this is uni
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.