My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
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Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.