Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
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[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Sounds like a bargain
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
We need to put an American base on the sun
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no