“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
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me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.