If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
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me
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meonstilts
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meandbatmanonstilts
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!